I've found myself in a conundrum of sorts lately. Such as my problem is, being around people for prolonged periods of time runs the risk of triggering me, setting me off and forcing me to flee to the nearest toilet stall. The more I'm around people, the closer I get to individuals and the more chance there is of them causing this negative emotional reaction (usually unintentionally of course). But at the same time, isolation is not the nicest of things to live in. Human nature makes us all inherently social animals, we are not born to live alone. Which leaves me with the predicament; painful, self-enforced exile or consistently fraught, often upsetting socialisation?
Right now neither really looks all that inviting to me, especially judging on the sheer number of times that I've been triggered since I've started trying to interact more with others. Some of my worst breakdowns have been the result of friends, started by just some seemingly insignificant comment or when they take just a little too long to reply to me online... Part of me thinks that it is excessively selfish to expose others to this, to force people who I've come to care about to put up with my volatility. Often I think about cutting the cord, pushing others away in order to protect them (and myself). But then again, most likely none of them have ever noticed this terrible effect they can have on me.
Still, there is safety in isolation. If only some individuals weren't so damned persistent, if only I hadn't let them get so close to me... Sadly my will power when it comes to such unpleasant matters has always been lacking. There is not the consistency in this being to follow through any resolution so difficult to enforce. At this rate it looks like there are going to be plenty more sudden trips to the toilet stalls for me before this gets any better.
No comments:
Post a Comment